Since i was young, my teachers have taught me to capitalize. the only way i will have security is if i make a million dollars, my dad believes at least. he said, "son, if you want to be happy, part of it is financial security." he would demand that i go to college to be one up on the average joe. the higher up the mountain, the less surface area; which means that not as many people could stand there.
but to what cost is it? to what cost is my success? is it only within myself? that would be an absurd answer. everything requires energy. when a chemical reaction is occuring, energy is lost but a product is gained. what i am asking is what is the energy that dies because i am a capitalist. deppresion is a bitchFriday, January 30, 2004
January 22, 2004
i am a confused american. i am going to attempt to reason. the swelling of my brain is due to the fact that i am learning so many different ideas in such a short amount of time. however, i have growing in myself a hate for capitalism. capitalisms only goal is to make profit. so many capitalists in this nation take it for granted. i have been made a fool out of because i buy 'i cant believe its not butter'. it is no different than actual butter says biology. but because butter was 'bad' for the consumers to eat, they made a longer route to get to the same eventuality. put some scientists into a room and make this corn oil or vegetable oil which is made up of non-saturated polylipids and make it butter by saturating the carbon molecules to look exactly like butter when looked at its most basic level. this makes me wonder how much other shit i have bought into. i am sure a lot of capitalist do good by there product. but it still boils down to profit. how can i get up?? the only way for a capitalist to get up is through exploitation. the class systems of this world suck. i dont want anyone to be unhappy with good intentions. i dont want everyone to pick cotton for a living. but if i deserve a raise. or i am hurting cuz i have to spend $150 on perscription drugs a month. that is not right. i was walking to my car today and i got brain freeze from breathing the air. my head hurt cuz of the cold. yet our government lets homeless people suffer. they need treatment. it is the only humane thing to do in their situation. the capitalist doesnt care for these things. people that care, do what they can do. people with a million dollars can do a million more things than a person with no money. i heard about this girl named paris hilton and she is so rich she didnt know what walmarts was. she is worth liek $190 million. she buys $3000 purses. what causes this purse to be $3000? is it made of gold, does it have diamonds in it? was it made by god? even if it was hand made why would it cost so much? cuz the name on it says gucci. a capitalist. who benifits fom this? gucci does. the fool of a girl thinks so. would it not be worth more than another purse if one made it herself and learned the art of it? i know that different people specialize in diferent things. but then i would have a close friend make that purse for me. that would be more valuable than if i bought a machine made purse that is marked up $2900 over the cost.
we have society tell us that this is hot. this is new. this is cool. what if i said that i wanted to start wearing dresses. makes sense to me, if i wanted to wear a dress, i will wear a dress. but then i have this twisted idea that i have to confront, and that is the eyes, mouth, then ears of my peers, collegues, and elders. i am not really free, cuz if i wear abercrombie and fitch and i am hot and i tan then i can get the capitalists' daughter. but other than that, i cant. it is all unoriginal. it is all false. i dont want to believe in an idea unless it is the truth, i dont want to be a fool. my government and my peers and society as a whole is trying to make me a fool. matter of fact, i am a fool. i want the plasma tv. my peers are falling for it too. my father. no-one gets away from it. cuz it comes from behind walls that noone can get around. as long as the leaders do not die in the heat of battle, only their slaves do. we do not call them slaves now, because they get money. but they are simply buying into the system. there are things i am prepared to let go of my life for, and things that i have, however, capitalism is not one i would like to believe that i do. i feel so brainwashed that i dont even know what i want. i feel that maybe i want a harley cuz i like the way it sounds or rides, or looks. but the name harley is a big name. it could be just the name i want. like a king claiming territory over a new land. i will name this fertile land "harley' and everyone will come here to gaze at the pastures eat my food. and drink my wine, and in return i will get pseudo-acceptance, and more money, cuz my wine is not free. we will acheive true acceptance when there is no more money, nothing to hold over anyones head. to coax someone into letting me ride on their bike. god gives us salvation for free. because there is no price that i pay, i am free to truly accept. it is not easy, cuz i am conditioned the other way. hopefully i will continue this affirmation as i write my paper on anti-capitalism, or maybe i will just buy into again. deppresion is a bitchThursday, January 22, 2004
July 26, 2003
so, i think i am going to start writing again. she may read, and i am okay with that. she is inside herself. so much oppression upon her head. so focused on her needs and wants. i hope she finds peace. but she will not on the path that she is going. everyones got problems. in my life, i am spending money like crazy. i need to stop. i am going to far overboard on $pending. i $ee $omething, and i think i need it. or i $imply want it, $o he buy$. i want to sew. deppresion is a bitchSaturday, July 26, 2003
June 5, 2003
i hate it when i do what i did. i hate it when i drive past her vacant apartment. i hate it when i see her car parked at his apartment. she says 'why is it that no one is ever here to hear me cry?' i cry too. there was many times i wanted just to be held by her, but she was with him. it hurts to imagine her picking up his clothes, touching his shoulders like she did mine, and familiarizing his body, scents, and such. when she said to me 'i remember all your scents' i thought, "well, now she is comparing me to him." she says we have great sex, does he do the same? i dont want to be alone either. i wonder what makes her think that i could be with her. i am forgiving, but how do i get past all those thoughts that would keep me awake as she breathes in her sleep next to me? this i cannot do. it would kill me. i would lose all of myself. i would cease to exist. i would be a meli doll. she writes that she cleans for him. i wonder if she does more for him than she did for me? i am comparing myself to someone i dont even know. i want her touch. i need to focus. i let myself wallow here. i think too much about it. it is useless anyway. i cant wait to read what she writes, i wonder if she even thinks about looking in this journal. i like to hope that she does, but probably does not. deppresion is a bitchThursday, June 05, 2003
May 20, 2003
loneliness is a gift a gift to find yourself loniness is a isolation to find your relationship with him deppresion is a bitchTuesday, May 20, 2003
