the walls of my beautiful agenda are coming down. or are they going up? it is hard to tell if my eviction notice is good or bad. bad for me, maybe good for us (the godhead, melida, and randall). lets see, the day is the seventh. i got to be out by the 13th. tomorrow i will go humiliate myself to the landlord on account of my laziness. Laziness in its purest totally obvious self. i have $900 dollars in the bank, have had that much since the 1st (when rent is due). so it was not the money. then what was it??? well, it was simply i did not want to search my dirty apartment for a checkbook and sign over $440 and walk all the way across the parkinglot to the other buildings and put it in the slot. that is all i had to do. keep in mind, this is not the first time that this has happened.
secondly, i got seven stiches in my left index finger. not paying attention to what i was doing, maybe preoccupied with the thought of "where am i going to go?" or maybe "who can i trust?" or, "where am i gonna put all the useless things that i have hoarded up?". you feel me.

so where do i go from here?
i need to flee from laziness.
help me.
how do i do something that requires drive that i do not have to get "the job" done?
that is what i consider everything to be. a job.
no fun.
sometimes it is hard for me to go to my friends house cuz i have to get in my car to go there.
that is a deficiency.
that is not right.
THERE IS SOMETHING AMISS HERE.
where can i get my drive?
do u have it?
i ask god, but do not recieve an answer./
i might not have it cuz i am not willing to do anything for it.
i want free advise, cuz i have no mental or physical money to pay for it.
in humility, i ask
advise me.
write me at israel3228@hotmail.com
i do not know anything about this
i get pamplets and advertisements on "the seven most effective habits of highly successful people" but when i try to read it, i dont understand, so i set it down for another day.
i dont have the drive to.
i want you to do it for me.
i am greedy
i am slothful
i am everything god hates
bash me. disregard me. i am no good for words. dont waste your breathe.

or

accept me. cherish me. lift me up. speak until i hear.

i am a mess.
the world is too big to hold onto.