feel so so so sofready. feel so jumpy. feel so aggrivated. body all tense. head pulsating. knees weak. sad. frustrated. sad. did i mention my knees are weak.thanks. wrists are weak. found out gary died. first, shock. second amazement. third, anger. where is he? what does my father thinking? what is johnny thinking. shhed two tears, and pow!! face rush neasea. go up to front, take it easy. sit down. heart hurts. when is the furneral?? what will i do? where will my dad be?
did he die of an overdose??????
please, no. please god, no. i dont care the amount of pain he had to feel for it to not have been that. show him favor. ease the families pain. reunite us. bring us into you. allow this to strengthen us. allow us to be stonger with you. give us insight. please i plead. breathe. in and uot. oh lod. i belong to yuo. i pray that gary has made the right choices in life. allow the family rest in you. aweeeiojjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjsddddddddffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff nuio[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[iii
prestoTuesday, December 24, 2002
she lays behind me. he is asleep in the other room.
prestoTuesday, December 24, 2002
december 20, 2002
i hate satan so much. i so much just want to be in heaven where the shower works all the time, and where electronics dont mess up, and your credit card is free. i realize so much what is going on, and how i am losing battles. satan is attacking. i dont realize though, if it is god's justice or not. i venture to think not, but us humans (esp. americans) always (or almost always) think we are better than we really are. i hate the sin i commit. i hate the indecisivness and the confusion that are only fake deceptions of the real path. a man of christ is not supposed to be playing with these ideas. a man of christ knows the path. i dont. i am not a man of christ. or if i am following, i am in the back of the crowd. i want to move closer. i want to get in front of the line. but the decisions that are infront of me,
i i cannot choose, cuz i guess 'i dont know what side of jesus i want to see' or maybe i am really as superficial as i think i am.
prestoFriday, December 20, 2002
december 18, 2002
it is boiling up. i need to release. i need to feel god. i want to fuck. i know i will die. i think that sex will kill me. you say, "hes mad!!" well i am not talking about physical death. more like spritual death. i will be torn. i want to fuck. i pray to my god, i say to him, take me before i can. i cannot do this. i cannot go on. i do not want to go on. i want to be with you. i want to be perfect, and good. disassociating my body from my soul is easy. i know my body wants to fuck, i know my soul wants to be accepted in gods eyes. and my mind is what i let take my ideas and make them actions. I HATE THIS WORLD. i hate the shit that i want. i hate the camcorders, i hate the tattoos, i hate the women. all i really want is god. i have to have him. i cannot deny him access to me. i willnot deny him. i cannot deny him. i hate myself. u say that he has 'worth'. u say, 'he doesnt mean that'. i say i am a shithead. most of the time i am thinking of how i can get this or that. misfocusing my energy. being idle. i am going nowhere.
prestoWednesday, December 18, 2002
december 12, 2002
i am so full of emotions, i cannot tell which ones which. i wonder if you realize that you are breaking me. play it off, dont let it get to you. if you do, you might be found out. dont let up, it might show how weak you really are. you fool yourself into thinking you are something you only want to be. show the world this person. i will be me. i will show my pain, (cuz i feel it). i will die to you, (cuz i live it). i will not try to win, (cuz i am a loser). i am comfortable. i am real. sit on your throne, think to yourself, let a private thought from me to you pass through--but dont let anyone know it. dont let anyone see it. this thought of mine, if a man more proud than i and more powerful than you flexed, would you submit? or do u fight? if you know the possiblitiy of losing is possible, what do u do? i have given up those meaningless battles. i dont need to win them to feel good about myself. i know that one that is stronger than all has my back. you call that cowering, you will see who wins the war. and i will be a witness to god. and i will plead with and to him. put down your weapons, is what i say, i am not trying to hurt you. i am not trying to damn you or get over you, i am not trying to get above you.i dont even want that. i want you to be equal to me. i want to be your brother, not your son, not your father. i am not your boss, i am your coworker. i don t tell you what to do. i dont want you to tell me what to do. but if you ask, i am humble. i submit. i submit to you, cuz submitting to you shows love to my god. i am not your teacher, you might think that i try to be. you make your own way. you lead your own life. i would never want you to change for me. however a relationship is built on conversing. it is built on interaction. i will show you my way through simple conversation, that does NOT mean that i am trying to teach you or be over you. like i show you my way, you will show me your way. i believe the majority of people feel that their way is the right way. and wheather you feel that way or not, you will want to reveal that BELIEF to those who do not understand you, to show where you are coming from. but if you feel that your way is right, then you would also want others to follow your way, that is human nature. that is believing in a theory. a theory of truth.
HE REVEALS TO YOU MY COLOR
SO YOU CAN FOCUS ON HIS LIGHT
prestoThursday, December 12, 2002
