i get off work, i go to blockbuster, i walk in alone. i pick out movies for myself only. i walk into my apt. its cold. its silent. i turn on the heat cuz noone is here heating it up for me. i sit and stare at thousands of little pixels that are what they call "art in motion". i watch and listen to someone elses story. i delay the sound of my head falling onto my cold pillow. igby goes down. ohh, if that were only my life. sex with multiple beautifully impulsive gorgeous women. free room. a sharp mind and wit that attracts. but no, i sit here. i sit here complaining. grieving. angy. i cannot move on. i am stuck in these thoughts. i am not even happy when i go out and try to be 'sociable'. i am only delaying my head falling onto my cold pillow. she is on. she is moving. she is happy. her head is not falling onto a cold pillow. but one of passion, one of ease, one of warmth. she fucks him. fuck, who knows, she might be making love to him, wishing it was me she contends. there is silence. no sound. i have drank my beer and a half. my stomach hurts. i cannot eat, to tired to shower. to awake to go to that pillow. what to do? so many toys, so unwanting to do anything. i cant even get off. hell sucks. deppresion is a bitchSaturday, February 22, 2003
i want to break something deppresion is a bitchSaturday, February 22, 2003
fuck i hate this damn computer with these damn pop ups, i hate porn, i hate the shit that i want. i was poetic a minute ago, then a fuckin pop up came and shut my fuckin page down. i lost the words! fuck deppresion is a bitchSaturday, February 22, 2003
february 19, 2003
if i were to have nina move in with me a week after we broke up and we had sex within 2 weeks and she was making me food and laying beside me everynight, and i also kissed meagan with a kiss that you would not give your sister, and i hung out with only girls that you did not know and even ex-girlfriends, and be geting high with them, and sewing clothes for them to wear, would you think that i wanted you still? would you think that i even cared for you still?? deppresion is a bitchWednesday, February 19, 2003
february 16, 2003
today is shitty. i woke up at like 530 and watched hook a second time. i cannot stop this burning sensation all over me. she will never feel the pain that i feel. she will never understand a heart like mine. her ego and need will not let her. she will cover, she will hide and she will ignore and deny. then she will throw another guy on top of that pile. there is already three guys on top of me, and she only moved on a month ago. you ask who?? well you know. first there was joe, then there was ben, and then there was kelly. i thought about kelly a lot today. everytime i hear the name ben in my head, i get that burning sensation. i gave her so much. i gave her too much. she didnt protect me. she exposed me. she said that she could start moving stuff out on monday. i will tell her that no man, not ben, not joe, not kelly, not chris, not kendall can step into my apt. i have so much pain. i burn all day long. SHE WAS MINE!!! i hurt so much that i think that the whole relationship was NOT worth it. i cannot stand this heat. nothing relieves it. nothing takes it away. god is saying, you are reaping what you sewed. i cannot wait until i find another girl to fallinto. i wont fall in like i did to melida but i will to be inside of her. shared sorrow is half sorrow. and maybe i can hurt melida too. affliction. i hope that when my peircing finds warmth again, that she knows. "kill what you can." i want to be dead. i want to exhale, and not inhale again. if it were only that easy. i am so empty. my stomach hurts so much, its hard to move. i want the pain to leave me alone. deppresion is a bitchSunday, February 16, 2003
february 15, 2003
today was shitty. i didnt get my laundry done, i didnt get the fabric i wanted. i was blank and expressionless at work. after work i had to get gas and i drove to the shell on high and lane cuz that is the closest one open and i went down king. i wondered if she was at his place. she had left a message sayin how sorry she was, and that she knew that she was wrong, she was crying. i think well, maybe she wont see him anymore, well to make a long story short, i got that same feeling when i saw her car parked out back. she SAYS she is sorry but still unwilling to care for me. i am confused myself. i dont know what i want her to do. i dont want her to stop seeing him for me, cuz i dont want to be with her. but i want her to stop seeing him cuz it kills me, and i want to have sex with her. i know that my mind will win. i know that my heart will cower. i know that my mind that is strong and calloused to the ways of love will outsmart my heart, which says to take her back. to take her back is a fantasy. i just need to let go. like ben harper says, "just walk away." but how can i walk away when her stuff is over my apt and i see it everyday? anyways, i was at the gas station, and it would not let me pump the gas. i try a couple of times and nothing. so i walk inside and dude says that i have to use premium or plus. so i go back out and still cannot get it to work. dude comes out and says that i have to put the nozzle back. i put it back , and it still doesnt work. minutes later it finally accepts the buttons i push, and i get to pump the gas. i am done and get in my car to leave, battery dead. fuck. get out wait a few minutes more for a car to show up, two ladies were kind enought to assist me on getting my car jumped. we couldnt find the black knob and finally a guy tells me that you just have to ground it. so i get lit up and drive away. call goldy and he tells me i have to come to this snowball fight. i thought, i really dont feel like doing anything but fucking and so i went. maybe there are girls there. drive by it, and try to park infront of it, and my car got impounded with snowballs, i mean it must have gotten hit with 30 snowballs. i was pissed, and i said, "these fuckers are gonna pay" finally park, and got to the fight, it was on frames, in front of out-or-inn i didnt do much at first then i was like fuck it, my hands are already cold so i picked up some snow, and it conformed into a snowball so easily. i automatically throw it at goldy, i miss. it was the biggest snowball fight i have ever seen. more than 75 people. everytime a car went by, they got barraded with snowballs, i didnt throw many at the cars, one guy stopped his car and wanted to throw down. the pattywagon went by, everyone hit it. minutes later the five-o went by again and one of the cops rolled his window down and started throwing snowballs out of it. i was there for like an hour. got some good shots, was really only trying to hit the cute girls (how elementary). these two girls bum rushed me and i had like 3 snowballs and i nailed them. then it was over, five-o came back around and put their lights on, everyone fled. that let out some build up anger. i got goldy a couple of times, dave gibbs and i stormed him and he fell over. i really wish i had a girl to lay with. deppresion is a bitchSaturday, February 15, 2003
february 13, 2003
two days since i last talked to you. today i wake up furious, muscles tense, the same as yesterday after that horrible dream i had. i went to bed praying that god keep her off my mind, cuz i was not able to fall asleep. i woke up to the thoughts that would not let me sleep last night. she lives with him. she sleeps in his bed, like she used to sleep in my bed. she tells me today this morning, cuz i could not stop thinking about what she had said the other day. she said that she is beginning to like being a girl, like being carried, and like the color pink. i had always thought she liked the color pink and also being carried. the thing that makes me furious is that he has carried her, and she now realizes it with him and not when i used to carry her to bed. she reassures me that she liked it and that she even pretended to be asleep so that i would carry her, but there was resentment there. that she was not being independant. she has major issues. i dont understand her. she makes me think that she didnt even know or bother to look at this stuff when we were together, like i would try to teach her, she now is learning on her own with the help of a six foot 32 inch waist brown haired brown eyed non-tattoo non peircing dick. she puts her lips around him. she sucks him. she spreads her legs for him. but, ohh yeah, she cares for me. she wants to be with ME. bullshit. talk is cheap. if you would have done what you had said you would do, i would think that you wanted me i mean cared for me and loved me. but you made excuses and said that it is worthless anyway. "i might as well find someone else. he isnt going to take me back, fuck it!" and that was already in place. i wonder how insecure you would have been if you knew that i could have 3 girls (conservativly) be there for me if we broke up, on my beck and call, like you kept ben, kendall, joe, and even chris. you were definatly looking out for #1. i didnt even realize it. love. what a crock of shit. next girl that i think i might love, i am going to keep an eye on her. i am going to make sure she is not histrionic, i cant take this fucking hell. i will make sure her actions are in order, cuz yours were not, you said the right things but didnt do. she will introduce me to all of her friends. she will take care of me, she will do what i ask cuz she loves me. she will respect me enough to not even think about doing the shit that you did to me. i will not give her everything for a long time. she will gain my trust. she will want ONLY ME. unlike you. deppresion is a bitchThursday, February 13, 2003
february 11, 2003
so today she was labeled with histrionic personality disorder. when we were first dating, i told her about histrionic and she didnt seem to worry. i let it go i think cuz i was having fun with her. i told her about borderline personality disorder, and she was ignoring the discussion. the night she left me, she cut herself. i was so furious. that is a trait of the borderline disorder. the fact that she has many guys to go to to feel affirmed and accepted and pretty and all the other self building things backs her histrionic. what am i to do? i cannot live with the fact that she has safety nets. i cannot live with the fact of being with not the only one who she seeks attention from. i know that she will have to work on it with whoever she marries or whatever, but it cannot be me. i cannot handle it anymore. i am over the edge. she said that she would call me when she left the bar, she said that she would call in like an hour, that was at like 930, it is now 1240 and no call, i hope she is still getting trashed with her coworkers, i am worried about her. i wonder if she found a guy at the bar to make her feel good, and like a woman, cuz she loves to be picked up now. i have so much pain. i have so much hurt. i cry. she doesnt know how much she hurts me. that makes me want to lash out even more. i want her to read this and understand how she is giving me pain. but she wont. because she is who she is, she will go on fucking ben. she will go on flirting. she will miss me but she will not care what she does, cuz she is not 'with' me. justified31, seems appropriate. ouch. i am in pain. deppresion is a bitchTuesday, February 11, 2003
february 9, 2003
just because i understand her dissociation, does not make it not painless, does not make it better, does not make it okay, does not make it right. deppresion is a bitchSunday, February 09, 2003
when i went to church this morning, it was tolerable. worship was good, not focused for me, but for him. i thought the program said, "the return to christ" but it was "the return of christ" at the end of the message, the woman who spoke asked if the people with anxiety attacks come to front for prayer, i automatically think of her. i cant stop thinking about her. on the way home i was listening to the twilight singers that have lyrics like "at 315 i saw you leave, where did you go?" & "used to be mine, a lonely twilight moment, a lonely twilight annie, in between the day and the night, god you look fine annie, have you got a line, ive lost my mind annie" and i got a vision of him inside of her and i sunk in my seat. expressionless in the car my whole torso was on fire, not just my heart and spine. i wonder why it had to be this way. why is she doing what she is doing. she disassociates so many things, and i am affected by all of them. she is probably sleeping in his bed right now, nice and warm next to him. he probably holds her and tell her she is right and i am a asshole. she uses herself. she does not have a conviction to not have sex before marriage, she is too impatient. she is too weak. i know that i have lost my conviction, well, i guess i am not willing to pay attention to it. but it hurts me so much. i want to breathe anymore, the pain of the air in my throat makes me tired. he is inside of her. i want to explode. we are addicted. this is no way to live. i want to rip the flesh from my, hers, and his bodies. i want to be inside of her, i cannot. the wall that i have put up in my heart gets bigger, thicker. so big, that when i talk to her, i feel i have to shout and scream so loudly cuz i see it there. she gets mad at me and wants to stop talking to me when i realize it is in front of me. i hurt. i wonder what he does for her. i hope he treats her well. i hate it. i wonder when i will be able to trust again. i wonder when i might be able to love again. it took 5 years to from ivy. it is hopeless. today i will cry. i loved her so much. i hate my self. i still love her i hate her.
i know the difference between: need and want want and care- she wants me but does not care for me. love and hate respect and disrespect.
maybe god is my only love. he is infinite love. he doesnt cheat me. he doesnt hurt me. i will go to church tonight, i will go alone. i will sit by myself. i will leave by myself, and people will look at the lone man and talk to him, they will try to be his friends. they will ask, "where is your girlfriend?" they will ask "who did you come with?" and iwill say "myself" and they will pause a moment and silence will bring out body language, and i will ask "what is wrong with going alone?" but i will cry inside. i sat behind a young married couple, could not be older than me. they were leaning on eachother. they ARE happy. painpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpainpain deppresion is a bitchSunday, February 09, 2003
its harder for me cuz i have lost ALL human touch. deppresion is a bitchSunday, February 09, 2003
its harder for me cuz i sleep alone. deppresion is a bitchSunday, February 09, 2003
february 8, 2003
i miss her so much. deppresion is a bitchSaturday, February 08, 2003
it is called respect. deppresion is a bitchSaturday, February 08, 2003
there was two things that she knew of that would get me to stop being with her. the first was that she could not hit me, if she did, i would leave. she pushed me once, but i think she learned that i wasnt going to tolerate it. the second was unfaithfulness. she was unfaithful once and i forgave her. its not like she kissed him or anything, but it was gut wrenching to me. she however did not learn. she decided to do it again, with the same guy only this time kiss and touch. she still didnt learn. it was over, but she was going to show me that she really wanted to be with me. but a week and a half later, she does the same thing. she finally says that she has learned. too little to late. i need more than that. if i cannot have a faithful wife, i cannot have a wife. if i cannot have a faithful girlfriend, how will she be able to be faithful in marriage? my wife must be able to understand my pain. she must be smart enough to realize when i am being hurt by her. these are two areas i am not willing to compromise on. deppresion is a bitchSaturday, February 08, 2003
she tells me that i am the reason that we are not together. hummm.... yeah i am but that has a lot to do with the shit she tries to feed me. she wants me to accept that night she was unfaithful. she wants me to accept that she is already living with another man, sleeping in his bed, fucking him, and being held by him (maybe). a man who is her "good friend" that i didnt meet for the year and a half we were together. she sees other men, kendall, and joe who she first cheated me with. i am sorry babe, but that is too much shit for me to swallow. i wanted you to catch me when i was falling, but you walked away and let me fall. now i am broken into many lil peices on the floor. that is who i am. no hope. trying to not focus on the pain. not even a want to get back up, what for??? so i can fall down again? i know that is also talking about my christian faith. i am losing faith. if i get up, there is not much chance for me to trust another female to catch me. what if she does the same thing??? it has happened more than once. i cannot get myself together to stand up. and if i did, how could i possibly fall on you again. when a baby gets dropped by someone, it does NOT want to be in that persons arms again. i am a baby. i am fragile. i am sensitive. i feel a lot of things. i get hurt just to think that the girl i want to have sex with is fuckin someone else. she is layin in his lair. she is eating his food. 'and he is running from the devil, but the debt is always gaining and if hes worth being hurt then hes worth bringing pain in when the sunshine dont work the good lord bring the rain in' from magnolia. deppresion is a bitchSaturday, February 08, 2003
february 6, 2003
i am going crazy meli thinking about you, but it is something that i cannot stop. the feelings come without warning. i am unable to get over it, and that is a big difference between you and i. i believe that i did let you prove it to me the first time you went over to joes house, and after 2 weeks of what you call trying to 'fight for me' you did the same thing without remorse or without feeling wrong. when you knew that is what breaks my heart and also why i would breakup with you. you can think anywhere you go. its hard to be alone, and you obviously cannot handle being alone. there is no place for rest for you because you are standing in the wrong spots. listen, i know that i am not in a position to judge, however i kinda am. you are practically living with this man who is not in your same faith (your original contention), you are sleeping with him (wrong in the eyes of god), finding rest and shoulder to cry on (in the wrong way), smoking weed with him (you also originally called wrong). why are you even paying meagan rent if you dont go there? you could just move your stuff out of my apt. and into his.
i dont understand how it was me that you wanted to talk to that day you found out about juan. when you first call and about 2 minutes into the convo, you said that you wanted me. at the end of the convo, you said that you just wanted to talk to somebody. i have a problem with that statement because i think you were dissassociating me and it really didnt matter who you talked to. and i know that i have a possibility to be wrong and that possiblity is high, but it does not take the doubt out of my head. you would not be living with ben if i thought that you really wanted to be with me. because you do not have with him what you have with me, that is why i think that you just want to be with somebody. you are using him, and he is using you. i know that we did that to a certain extent, but we had love and common intrests. concerning you and him, it is purely touch i think, and exploring new lifestyles.
when you tell me that you are at his house, it burns me up. i have so much rage, i want to kick the living shit out of him, and joe, and kendall, and chris, and all the other guys that would LOVE to "help" you through this break up.
you may think that you are getting closer to god, but you are walking away, and we can choose our path, you do not have to follow in you parents, brothers, sisters steps, you do not have to continue using your body in an unholy way. but that requires something that you dont think you can handle which is to be alone. what does it say about a persons character if he/she cannot have fun by themselves. or keep themselves entertained? if you think that you are hollow, i almost cant wait for you to feel the same way i do. i want to be inside another woman so you might feel what it is you are doing to me. i want to sleep next to another woman, and have her comfort me and tell me things i want to hear so you will feel somewhat what i feel. however, i think that i am going to be better than you. i think i might abstain just for you to see that it can be done, and that i am really following him. i want revenge on you so badly, but i can not have it. all i can do is get hurt by you. all i feel is pain. i will move on, but i dont understand how you healed so quickly. i am still suffering. i still cannot do anything. i am still so weak, i do not have the confidence in myself to walk up to a woman and start conversation. and i am not liek you to have all these guys to fall back on. you could be with any above mentioned names in a heartbeat. which makes me sick and think that you had those in place for a reason and that reason being our breakup. i dont understand why it is ben that has been your good friend (well, one that you like) an i did not meet him the whole tenure of our so called union. same with kendall. i am sorry to say, but i am the ex that does NOT want you back. i know what i gave to you. i know that i honored you. i know that i did the right things, and treated you like a real human and lover. there is this lamb song and it goes' you saw me crying but you didnt want to listen you saw me sinkin but you really couldnt save me. you saw me wanting but you didnt want to give this could have been something this could have been really something tell me something tell me something more tell me something more worth living for
i know the possiblities that could have happened. i am so hurt. i dont think i can go through it much more. i am sorry for the things i accuse you of. my logic says that that is very highly possible and very logical. when i dont understand why or how you did this or that, and you dont want to talk about it cuz we will get into a fight, all i did last night was ask you to explain. and i dont believe you did, cuz you dont have a good reason. which sucks for us. cuz i get stronger in my belief and you get stronger in your denial. <-- 'denial' in my eyes. you might say that you are alone, but you are laying next to someone, you are giving yourself to that person, and for much less than you gave it to me. i know he is loving it, cuz he is not even in a relationship with you. so it works out for the both of your fleshes. the thought of him inside of you makes my blood boil. thanks for reminding me how much it sucks to be in love with some who toys with you. sorry for the sarcasm. i have to laugh about it or i run the risk of never loving again. not only are you not alone, you could have your threesome. i know and would bet a large sum of money that you could get ben, kendall, and joe or kelly, or someone else to do that for you. i am starting to be mean now, so i am going to end the letter.
randall deppresion is a bitchThursday, February 06, 2003
february 4, 2003
i wonder if she shuts her phone off cuz she doesnt want to answer it at his house. deppresion is a bitchTuesday, February 04, 2003
bout twenty minutes after i got to work a black tear of ink showed up on my face from nowhere. i went to the bathroom and it looked exactly like that, a black tear. i dont know what it means. but i could not do anything right today, i hit every red light seems like, and what was weird was that i hit all the ones that normally are green. i made me mad. deppresion is a bitchTuesday, February 04, 2003
february 3, 2003
written last week: 'she is so happy, she never thinks about me and when she does, regret does not come to mind. everytime i talk to her i get more worn out'
'one two minute conversation can put me out & drain me completely, she cries on.' deppresion is a bitchMonday, February 03, 2003
february 1, 2003
i know that i am digging my grave, but do you know that you are digging your grave? just to know (even though i dont know) that you are having sex with ben now, makes me so furious. seeing joe again, seeing kendall again. they will not please you like i did, but you will have them try cuz you are wanting to be pursuited. you always have been. you always wanted someone to want you. even if it is just a voice over the computer. well, you deserve all that lovin. u might as well give each of those men a peice of you. that is what you want. forget god, please, do not associate your blackness with his purity. you are setting a bad example for non-believers and giving christianity a bad name. deppresion is a bitchSaturday, February 01, 2003
