the last words about her tonight, "_o_'t g_, when i stop talking to you, you will lay next to another heart beat." i should have said it to her. deppresion is a bitchSaturday, March 29, 2003
march 28, 2003
i dont get out to do much, but when i get motivated enough, i try to be exactly what you want. guy that cleans, sews, takes now more than one shower a day, wear what you like in front of you, still buys you lunch, smokes weed (i think you like it, or you wouldnt do it), NOT fucking someone else and sleeping next to them (yet). i guess i dont show it enough. deppresion is a bitchFriday, March 28, 2003
march 26, 2003
sometmes i think i am am so stupid. i know what i should be doing, but i dont do it. i let so many things just happen to me. i am not caring. sure, walk on me today! no, i dont mind. i am hurting myself even. kill it away. i let the moments fly by me. i am losing. not paying attention to the goal. shit, not setting a goal. only quasi-setting goals. pseudo-productivity. always tenative. switch to video. deppresion is a bitchWednesday, March 26, 2003
she has her cake and she eats it too. i wonder if she has fun being able to say she was somewhere else last night. i mean, he has to think she was somewhere, i know she isnt going to tell him that she was here. she is prolly holding it in his face too, that "if you said that you were with me, i wouldnt be out with this guy or fuckin this guy." i know she holds it infront of me. she thinks that is the way to get me to commit. maybe if i see what i am missing out on, or what she says to me now, 'if it were up to me we would be together'. "im independant, i can do what i want" are words that come to mind. exactly, you are doing what you want, you dont want me. you want to be with him and me. you are so selfish. what i am doing is a REACTION to what you are doing. i am trying to imitate you so that you can finally see what is killing me. but i am not the guy that says i want you back. i love you. but i cannot restart after knowing you still are finding comfort in someone else, sleeping in his bed, next to him. he can hear you breathe. you are totally vunerable. i wonder if he does the same thing with you in bed. wakes u up in the middle of the night thrusting into you. i wonder if you know that you are having sex with him, and you are letting it happen. you did not say no. and that means yes. you must draw the line. if you dont, he will cross it without thought. there is another that gets you off. you dont care, maybe you say to yourself, "well i am sleeping in his bed, this is how i am paying him for shelter." when he is kissing you. no matter the words i have said, you do not see the pain in me. or if u do, you dont care about me, which one is it? it is one or the other. deppresion is a bitchWednesday, March 26, 2003
march 24, 2003
they could be personally fitted too. deppresion is a bitchMonday, March 24, 2003
i just had a dream. i am making a shirt. and i am designing art and screenprinting it onto shirts. totally original peices of art. i would make copies of each of them with the shirts i sew. it could be sweet. deppresion is a bitchMonday, March 24, 2003
march 21, 2003
i am reading the news and am getting a picture in my mind. well, reviewing a picture in my mind. history has repeated itself. this is a contraversial war we are in. there is an uprising of anti-war protesters. this could be another vietnam. in san fransico, there was the largest forming protest in 22 years. humm, lets see, that was vietnam 22 years ago wasnt it. i think iam going to research. i would like to see the map of world that has the most prominent religion in each region of each country or group of similar belief systems. , i am reading this interview about india's main religion, 80%, was hinduism. that is a big number, the government was (to be continued)... 80% is a large number. i see in me head, a great big map of the east-middle east anda bunch of those 'add water' alein works that marvin the martian takes the dropper to gathering in and around eachother exponentially till the countries boarders explode and almost see war happening. like we have more than 800,000 million hindus in that country. and 1,000,000 million in the country. this was in 81. the gov't and other hindus were chastising and killing, and imprisioning them, because of hatred to the minorites. the minority 200,000, the non-hindus. the riot was against the minorities. strong discrimination there. total segregation. total sociology and psychology.
even though it wasnt nam, it was still important. i have been wanting to read more about the hindus so, i bought their bible and am borrowing a hindu informative book from the library. and now i read this. i think god is definatly steering me away from that kinda religion. this always happen with the religions i study. they all seem wrong by the media. i wonder why i dont read articles about the 'christians' killing people. i definatly think christianity is the way. racism is evil. i do not hate anybody. no matter the color, or religion. i am compassionate. i know it is a good thing. i know it is god. the words that are sung by ben harper go though him, as well as dj shadow, these are evidence of god. god speaks through them. how can anyone not see that killing is wrong? hate is bad. evil is bad. these are not god's sides. humans control their own destiny. you can create yourself. freedom to do many many things. if we could do all things, we would be in heaven and hell. because we have a choice. france is starting to hate americans. protesting war. burn flags. americans holding up french flags getting arrested. "dont fuck with our freedom." we are both saying that. patriots and peace-wanters. and they call me a 'protester'. no, i am only wanting progression of the human race without further wrong. tricky says, 'i fight evil with evil." that is what war-makers are saying to me now too. . human life is too valuable to do this. remember when you were young, you learned, "two wrongs dont make a right" do u see the logic in that expression. can you see the truth in it? hippies unite. peace-wanters stand up. ben harper says, 'if your getting up, then take a stand. fight, fight, fight for your mind.' deppresion is a bitchFriday, March 21, 2003
march 18, 2003
i dont know why you want to hang out with me. i dont know why you do what you do. not that i dont know know why, but dont understand why. i cannot make any sense of it. you dont consider my most important thoughts. i want god so bad. i want his love. cuz if you love felt good and was fleeting, then if his is inconstant and forever, it must be much more. i feel it sometimes, but i live on earth with the sinners like myself. i take my morphine. i am so bitter. i hate depression. look at me pointing fingers. even if i am right, do i have a right to say that? i am thinking in extremes right now. i think that is why i cannot focus on more than one dream over the others. i cannot make a decision on one thing or the other. because the exremes are so far apart. they are so wide. so many possiblites. i dont know if i want to be good at one thing. i dont know if i want to do anyone thing for the rest of my life. any one career that is. i fight this in me. i see the most permanent ones, and i want to choose the most permanent or most thought of. i want to pick the thing i am best at. i dont know waht that is, and i cannot ask anyone and truly take their word for it. this is something i have to do myself. but the decision is unclear. foggy. cuz i feel the need to know what god wants me to do, (my best) i want him to tell me. i dont want to choose myself, but i think that i am choosing pheonix. if that is what he thinks i should do, i want to do it. i want his approval. or i want him to tell me what to do instead. i dont mean that to be an ultimatum. i am a fugitive on the run, i am not a fugitive on the run. rinse and repeat. deppresion is a bitchTuesday, March 18, 2003
i think i am guilty of being racist. when i discuss blacks, mexicans, or any other race i am utterly sympathetic, and caring. but when i think about the white race, mainly my own ancestors, i think of how much i hate the way they set me up. i am not talking about my personal family, at least i dont see a connection right now. i once thought my fathers money was only greed. i hate sin. it was my ancestors sinning. my whole line, was doing things wrong. the jews not complying with jehovah. the so call christain-catholics did not either, killing all the martyrs. europeans english, putting people below them. this touchs base with patriotism. i have no love for my government. i am so mad that they are doing it wrong. you can kill a baby as it is being born into the world. how shitty is that. although god takes them, the families have to endure so much pain. humans are numb to real pain. they have taken their morphine. their drug. sin. it drowns out the good. no one is right. it is so hard for me to distinct that from hatred of humanity. it is hard for me to seperate that and say, i hate the sin, not the sinner. i might of gotten off track about the racism, but anyways, the news doesnt show as much good news as it does bad news. anyone disagree?? so the history books are basically recording the bad things and a few of the good things. it is inevitable that we have bad history. humans are bad. greedy. that means selfcentered, did i say that, i meant arrogant, i mean prideful. arrogance is like the combination of selfcenteredness, and pride. especially white people. deppresion is a bitchTuesday, March 18, 2003
time is not to be worshipped. ben harper disagrees. he contends that time is to be worshipped exactly like god. i dont agree cuz, time is not all we have. if time is all we have, then how is it that love takes us up and down so much? we are in love, or we are out of it. either could mean everything. moreso than time. time is just vehicle that we ride life in. it gets us from point a to point b. and that is it. sometimes it feels faster or slower, but that is what we have clocks for, to let us know that the world does not revolve around us, and of course the time. deppresion is a bitchTuesday, March 18, 2003
